Walking Out Your Family's Story

My life this past month has been consumed by parenting. Particularly, by parenting one of my pre-teens. A couple of weeks ago on Threads, a woman posted that she wasn’t prepared for the emotional exhaustion that came along with parenting a pre-teen, similar to the level of exhaustion in raising a toddler. Oh, how I related!

When my kids were toddlers, I shared their stories much more freely, but as they get older, I’m recognizing the importance of protecting the specifics of their stories. So while I won’t often share details, I think there is still much I can share from where my parenting journey is right now. There’s a raw-ness to sharing stories in the moments. Stories take on their own shape, and when they are shared later, their package isn’t quite the same.

So I want to share now. To encourage parents who are walking this path alongside me and also behind me, and to remember them myself.

I listened to a Brave Writer podcast episode this past week, where Julie Bogart interviewed Josh Harris (best known for his book that he wrote many years ago, I Kissed Dating Goodbye). At the end, Julie asked if Josh had a piece of wisdom to share with her viewers, and he said something along the lines of, “Remember you’re still walking out your story, your family’s story…”

Julie followed that up with: “Create oceans of space for the people you love to become who they need to be, not who we expect them to be.”

What a beautiful message that spoke directly to my heart.

One of the fears I continually must address in myself is one that says: “The decision I make right now might make or ruin my children forever.” While I do believe every decision matters and has an impact, I’m also learning to trust that this is a journey we are walking out, and every day we may need to make a new decision. So much of life and parenting is an experiment. While we can learn from the wisdom of others, there is much that is unique to our own situation and there are so many ideas out there, that learning what works for us can only come by trying and trying again.

I don’t have clear answers or step-by-step details of what it looks like to raise children successfully. But I do have a framework I follow, and after nearly 13 years of parenting, years that have included many shifts in my parenting strategies, I believe this framework will continue to guide me even if other things shift.

1. Be present

2. Love wholeheartedly

3. Listen before reacting

4. Be consistent

5. Hold space for changing your mind

Be Present

It’s impossible to over-emphasize the importance of our presence. There are so many things vying for our attention, between work, relationships, hobbies, and distractions, and we cannot always be with our children. But the time we give matters. Make intentional time each day to connect with your children. Our presence matters to them because it shows them we care, and it matters for us so that we can know our children intimately.

Love Wholeheartedly

Love feels like the obvious, but sometimes I think we complicate what this term means. Love doesn’t need to be twisted—listen to your heart, and you will know how to love your child. An example in my own life of when I did this was when my oldest daughter was younger. I had been taught that spanking was important in order to train our children correctly, and so I followed this instruction when she was young. I was told this was love, even though it may not feel like it and it may be hard for both us and our child, because it was training them correctly. Eventually though, I had to listen to my heart. Spanking didn’t feel like loving to me. So I stopped. Later, I would logically come to understand the way that the verses used to support spanking have been taken out of context, and I also read the studies that showed child psychology and the impact of spanking on kids, but in the beginning all I had was my conscience and a heart that I listened to. Love doesn’t always mean giving in to everything, of course. Boundaries and rules are necessary in all of our relationships, including those with our children. As they are growing, it is important for them to have guardrails. Love can be firm. But it should never feel twisty. It should never sit ill inside of your gut.

Listen Before Reacting

Stop. Breathe. Listen. All of these reactions have been some of my greatest resources. Parenthood is all-consuming at times, and taking a breather is necessary. As my kids get older and at times intentionally don’t listen and push against boundaries, it can be easy to assume the worst, and some of their actions can feel frightening—are we ruining our kids? Are they going to turn out horribly? Taking a breath and listening before reacting has saved me more than once. Getting to the heart of a child teaches me so much. Understanding the hurt or fear or frustration behind their actions helps me to respond with compassion and guide my child while acknowledging their emotions. At other times, I’ve realized my assumptions were flat-out wrong, and I’m so thankful I entered the conversation with my child with curiosity rather than anger or condemnation. Sometimes I do react too quickly, and I learn from my mistake. This past week alone, there were three instances with my pre-teen where my first assumption was wrong (thankfully I took a breath before responding in all 3 circumstances, and I listened before reacting in 2/3… I’m still learning!)

Be Consistent

This is the area I struggle the most in. Being consistent in a job that is 24-7 is difficult. Sometimes we just want a break as parents. Sometimes we want to pretend we didn’t hear or see what happened so that we don’t have to deal with an issue, or we want to respond quickly and harshly rather than giving parenting the time it requires. But guiding our children requires consistency, so that they know what to expect and because these young years are so critical in forming their character. It’s also impactful for them to see that you expect the same (kindness, patience, sharing, hard work, etc.) from their siblings as you do from them. In time, this consistency really does pay off. They will begin to follow through in things or act in ways without needing reminded. (You will still likely have at least one child who enjoys pushing the buttons. And don’t be surprised when your 7-year-old asks if they have to do school again, on the 100th day of school, when you have emphasized many times that you do school every day until the end of May.)

Hold Space for Changing Your Mind

When I began parenting, I had this idea that I needed to know my parenting philosophy and my beliefs, stick to them, and drill them into my child. What I have learned these last 13 years, quite painfully at times, is that changing our minds is part of life, and it’s important for both us and our children. Hold space for changing your mind on your own thoughts and beliefs, hold space to change your mind on how you parent, and hold space for your children to change their minds (and form their own thoughts!). We are walking this path out… who we are when we begin our parenting journey isn’t who we will be at the end. Don’t resist the lessons and change that come along the way. Be open to apologizing to your children (I’ve had to do it many times, especially when my kids bring up that I used to spank, but also when I react too quickly and accuse wrongly.) Let go of the facade of having all the answers and embrace the beauty of learning and growing.

Take heart, Mamas (and Dads)! This work isn’t easy, but it is so rewarding. You won’t do it perfectly, but maybe the bumpy road is the perfect road. It’s the road for you, at least. Trust your own family’s journey—the children you’ve been given, the hurdles you’ve encountered, the heartache you’ve experienced, the change you’ve navigated, and the timeline of your own lessons and growth. Take another step today, and rest in the fact that the journey ahead of you will unfold in its own timing.